Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
