So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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