I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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