Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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