he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
