i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
