now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just had sex on a roof
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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