i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
