Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
