why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
