Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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