mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
