I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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