Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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