I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This house was built for laser tag.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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