Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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