i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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