found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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