I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
