I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
