dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You left your phone here
Wait...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
