I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
