But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
