i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
