Just fell off a train. Bad.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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