Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
