I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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