She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
