so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
