a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
