Sober January is a disaster.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Drunk is a universal language darling
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
