I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
