I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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