can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
