You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
