The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
