I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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