No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
