Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
