I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
