Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
