My hand turned me down
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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