Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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