dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
