Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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