Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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