there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Randomize
