you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
