Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
