They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
