yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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