In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
